Junuary: Straight Out of Davos

The word out of Davos is world leaders are proposing guidelines to add a new month to the calendar. The new month, Junuary, is an intersectional identification of June and January. The U.S. Congress wants to dedicate the new month to the growing segment of the population who identify as calendars, clocks (analog and digital), and days of the week. Anyone born during Junuary will be eligible for government assistance in education, housing, citizenship, and time-space travel. After enough “Junuarians” are born, governing bodies will award assistance on a sliding scale of oppression.

Benefits of Adding Junuary to the Calendar

One of many benefits of the new month is that it will allow the citizens of the United States and populations of all forward-thinking countries to age slower. This will alleviate much of the age-related burden in the medical industry. The U.S. has pledged that its savings in Medicare costs will be reallocated for humanitarian aid in the impoverished region of Martha’s Vineyard, Massachusetts.

“Slow-Aging” will also address the looming Social Security insolvency problem in the United States and many other western countries. In the future, Social Security will become an archeological remnant, but child day care costs may increase. Davos intelligentsia say they are aware of the problem and are trying to corner the diaper market.

All weeks of the new month will integrate a five-day weekend with a two-day work week. This aligns with everyday Americans’ and Canadians’ current work schedules. Companies dedicated to the hospitality services sector will profit from increased business by leveraging the enhanced “weekend getaway.” The economic growth in hospitality will provide all countries’ newcomers with extended seasonal employment opportunities. We should note that the newcomers are already striking for paid weekends off during Junuary. Negotiations for quadruple overtime pay and a clear path to executive positions at the CXO level may bring about a resolution before Junuary goes into effect.

Other advocates of the new calendar month suggest integrating Junuary with the Mayan calendar. This would allow the marginalized human sacrificial community to also reap the rewards of the extended time cycle. World leaders appear to be giving the recommendation serious consideration. Some of them expressed their enthusiasm stating, “Why didn’t I think of that?”

Global Leaders Rejoice

While the new month is still in the proposal stage, global leaders believe they can work with legislative bodies worldwide to make the change before any of them get much older. Old politicians lack the clout, charisma, and stamina to make meaningful legislation. This will provide the answer to the longevity problem that many dedicated politicians and world leaders confront at a personal level. They will be the first to receive new photo IDs to reflect their recalculated age when factoring in the new month retroactively.

A Climate Crisis Breakthrough

Climate scientists hail the new month as a breakthrough which addresses the global climate crisis. North American climatologists have touted the wisdom of combining the cooler month of January with the warmer month of June. Many say this will give us a month with the perfect temperature for a beach vacation or perhaps an extension to the ski season. Climatologists are encouraging global leaders to make Junuary a “floating” month which enables them to address future, unforeseen climate emergencies.

Academics Embrace Junuary

University administrators see the introduction of Junuary in the Gregorian calendar as the beginning of an enlightened Calendar epoch. When they found out it’s called “Gregorian” because it was introduced by Pope Gregory XIII in 1582, one of them summed it up by saying, “No wonder we have to adjust it every four years.”

Several academic institutions are developing a new curriculum dedicated to “Calendar Studies” which requires an additional 25% in federal funding. Legislators agree, and they are also issuing prepaid credit cards to Calendar Studies majors. The foresight of this preemptive action eliminates the need for a student loan bailout later.

Students Welcome a New Opportunity to Protest

Opposition to the proposal comes from student activists who claim the subject area appears to be too academic to be relevant in modern universities. Student organizations are offering a counterproposal that adds another month to coincide with spring break in addition to extending June, July, and August to 60 days per month. Students who want to protest the current proposal are clashing with other activists who have claimed squatters’ rights on many university lawns.

The wisdom coming from Davos cannot be bought, especially at the price they’re asking. More to come in future reports.